Good news, no one: I’m back from a deliberate divorce between myself and Iowa State sports, and I’m as miserable as ever.
Here’s what I learned by being completely and utterly disconnected from the general Iowa sports discourse. nothing! Hell no. We’re still getting Brian Ferentz apology tours as he happily spends his day badmouthing former players off the record, but actually on the record. Phil Parker got a promotion but is still underpaid. Brian didn’t get a promotion and is still being overpaid.
And Jack McCaffery will be the answer, guys, just wait till he gets here, I promise.
In preparation for the latest edition of The Pants Party, I was inspired to write a separate piece that would better describe Iowa’s most important games this upcoming season. I urge you to listen to the companion package linked above, but one commenter already… commented that my voice is too sleepy*, so for a fun experiment in sadism, I recommend giving us a 2x fast!
* During my vacation this spring, I had a brief encounter with a woman who accused me of possessing something called “vocals,” which a Google search brings up Kardashian. She is no longer with us.
So, to get back to true blogging form, here is my first szn list. Please send non-constructive criticism to the Bumble support team.
12. @ Rutgers 9/24
This should not surprise anyone. As I pondered this list, I asked myself “what would be the least indirect loss” and came up with Rutgers. There are more contenders for the least important game than the most important, which is probably not a good thing if you ask me.
11. North-West 10/29
I’m starting to think Northwestern is making inroads into Maryland/Rutgers territory, and I’m here for it.
10. Nevada on September 17
This game is incredibly important to me as a person because I’m still not sure if it’s Ne-va-duh or Ne-wahh-duh with a long “aah” in the middle. And that’s the only value I see in this contest.
9. Illinois 10/8
I tried not to predict wins and losses, but I think Illinois is in the very early stages of a turnaround and you can bet that he will hit that drift against those Iowa Hawkeyes and use that scalp as Burt starts his FamILLy.
8. @ Ohio State 10/22
Ohio State is not higher because they beat everybody! I can picture it now: Iowa absolutely limping into Columbus after back-to-back losses to Michigan and Illinois, and just beating the Buckeyes in a game that couldn’t be more ridiculous when it comes to Iowa’s postseason aspirations season
7. Nebraska 11/25
It’s funny because that was probably Iowa’s second most important win last year. This game is especially interesting because IF Scott Frost is out for the entire season, it will likely be the last call, light for him and this program — and that’s usually when Husker fans have their only chance to score.
6. Iowa State 9/10
This game technically even less important to Iowa than Rutgers, which turns out to be the only school I think less of than Iowa State.
5. @ Minnesota 11/19
Minnesota in November? Ha! If you’ve spent any time on the Internet lately, you’ll see that P.J. Fleck is showing some exhaustion in the form of screenshots of posts on the Twitter notes app, not unlike former Iowa players in years past. Let me tell you, I’m a few years behind Kirk Ferentz anything Coaching college football is not where you want to be.
4. South Dakota State 9/3
Hares are so tall for several reasons:
1) SDSU went 11-4 last year before falling in the semifinals to Montana State.
B. Most of the crowd in Kinnick will think Iowa is playing against NDSU until about midway through the second quarter.
iii. We will find out exactly who is iowa at the end of this game. A stingy defense with a shaky defenseman captaining a ship sailing in the wind of an uninspired offense? Who would have thought?!
3. Michigan 10/1
It’s fun because it’s pretty early in the season, making it Iowa’s first real test of the year. This could also be Kirk’s last chance to be Jim Garbo again, as the Wolverines won’t be on Iowa’s schedule for at least the next two years.
2. @ Purdue 11/5
If Iowa doesn’t beat Purdue this year, Jeff Brohm will be our next coach. These are not the rules, but I DEMAND that they be. Give him a blank check. Rename everything with the name Ferentz. Make him our king.
1. Wisconsin 11/12
Anyone who wants to pretend that Wisconsin doesn’t deserve to be No. 1 here is a completely shallow person. The Badgers are a hill Iowa has to climb to take another bite out of Michigan State or Ohio State in Indy. Two wins in the last 10 meetings is about the same as a Brohm-level horror, but even worse because Madison is located on a beautiful lake, which makes it a great city to live in.
I’ll give you $4 if you tell me where and how my ratings on the podcast differed from those reported in the press.